Time Is My Enemy

I hate waiting. Time passes by so slowly in the two week wait. Especially when I don’t believe this cycle worked. I really don’t and we still have 6 more days before the beta. I just want it to be Wednesday or Thursday so I can POAS and confirm what I already know to be true so we can move on to IUI #4 and then go on vacation. And so I can have some wine. I know I must sound like an alcoholic at this point, but I am dying to drown my sorrows in a big glass of warming Malbec. I want it even more because I’m so confident this IUI was another dud. If I’m so positive, I wonder why I’m even waiting. I should just do it, but I guess I need proof before I will actually let myself completely give up. But I’m already 99% of the way there.

I wish we had a real diagnosis that could be treated. “Unexplained infertility” is complete fucking bullshit. There’s obviously something wrong. It can’t be timing. We pretty much have sex every other day, if not daily. There’s no MFI. I don’t have PCOS. Then what is it? Not having an explanation is infuriating. Are my eggs too old and rotten? Why can’t this be resolved?

If you can’t tell, I am pissed that I’ve had so many BFNs. 17 to be exact, going on 18, over the course of 22 months. Time is slipping through my fingers, and with each month another little layer of hope is peeled away. I can’t take any more disappointment. How I’ve managed to maintain even the smallest smidgen of hope all these months is beyond me. I am completely dumbfounded that this is really us. We really are infertile. Seriously? How did this happen to me? To us? Like every infertile, I never in a million years thought this would be me. Am I going to hit 35 next summer and still be childless? How many more IUIs will we do? Will I have to go back on birth control pills to prepare for IVF? How much more money will we have to “invest” (A fellow IFer made a good point: You’re not wasting money, you’re investing it. I liked that sentiment.)? How much more time will need to pass?

Now when we do conceive, and I say do because I know we will in time, will the joy be quickly covered up with fear like it is for so many of my IF friends? Will I ever want to know the actual numbers at each beta? Will knowing the numbers just be more to worry about? I am afraid of the time in between ultrasounds. The waiting will never go away. I’m mad that IF has taken away the natural joys of conceiving and I assume that will still be the case once we’re pregnant. This sucks.

Today is 10DPIUI and there’s nothing new going on, except for increased negativity (obviously). The only things that have changed are that my right boob is sore again and when I drink tap water it tastes like metal. I prefer tap water because I like to drink water that is not that cold. I’m chucking these changes up to AF being around the corner (sore boob) and I’m in desperate need of wine (other liquids taste disgusting).

Can we get IUI#4 over already and leave for vacation pleeeeeeease? I can’t wait to be right here:

2 responses to “Time Is My Enemy

  1. birdless

    Well, it does sound like you have some symptoms, so maybe there is hope this month! I know the wait is so incredibly long, but you are almost there, so hang tight! This whole process really is frustrating, and you put to words a lot of the same things I am feeling too.

    • babybaker

      thank you so much for the uplifting words. i know you understand, but i wish you didn’t. i guess we’re both frustrated, annoyed, and “why me?” right now. but I know we WILL be moms one day. it will be our turn. i just wish it was right now.

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After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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