Well, it’s official. I tested this morning and I got back a stark white stick. (Insert sad trombone here.) To make myself feel better, I indulged in a caffeinated coffee (I’m totally jumpy now!) and this:
I was pretty negative about this cycle over the last couple of weeks. This generally bad attitude made me feel sad and angry. These emotions are not good for someone trying to conceive. It’s okay to have these emotions when you actually receive bad news, but not leading up to what you think might be bad news. I know a part of me was just trying to protect myself. This was my third IUI and I think I was scared that it wouldn’t work because it would mean I’m getting further and further away from being a mother. I am afraid of the truth. I’m afraid that this is really happening. I think I put more faith in my RE that I should have. I assumed I’d be one of the lucky ones who has an IUI and gets knocked up.
To combat this nasty negativity, I have made some resolutions for cycles moving forward:
- I resolve to stay positive and optimistic throughout any given cycle. There’s no point in being negative about the result, before I even know what it is. Being negative take too big of a toll on me and those around me.
- Enjoy time with my husband. Once we do conceive, I may very well be sick throughout the entire pregnancy. Once the baby arrives, we all know what happens: sleepless nights which likely equals frustrated parents! We should get maximum enjoyment out of our childless lives now. Things will change once we have a baby, in a good way. But we should expect things to be different.
- My life is great. True, we don’t have a baby yet but my life is by no means over. I am completely thrilled with every area of my life, except the procreating part. And honestly, it’s kinda out of my control. I’m doing all I can, so I need to let it go.
- I also need to I need to stop alienating friends just because they don’t know about our struggles. I need my friends and honestly, over the last 22 months I’ve been doing a great job of pushing them away.
- Keep blogging. It helps tremendously. My husband was always encouraging me to start a blog. I finally did, and although it’s not the topic I’d prefer to write about, it is my life and it’s raw and honest. I love you people and it warms my heart to know there are women out there who are going through what I’m going through and those who have moved on to the next step of motherhood. There’s hope for us all!
I was having a really hard time yesterday, but since we got the blank pee stick this morning I feel somewhat relieved. I can’t explain it. I feel happy, which is really weird since I just got another BFN. Maybe I’m happy because I have a fresh start with this next cycle. I am a person who loves change, and a new beginning is change.
My beta is scheduled for Friday. I’ll stick with the progesterone tonight but then I’lll stop. AF should arrive on Sunday, and I can go in for CD2 blood work and ultrasound on Monday. I have no idea what our next cycle will be like. Will everything stay the same? Will my RE increase the Clomid dosage? Will we move on to injectables? I guess I’ll find out on Friday or Monday.
Should I ask the doctor to be more aggressive and push for injectables? I’m so afraid of multiples, and I think there’s an increased risk over Clomid. Might have to do some Googling. IUI#4, I’m looking forward to getting you over with. I’ll be in the Caribbean for part of the two week wait. I think this will be the best two week wait ever.
P.S. A friend of mine got her BFN for her second IUI confirmed this week. My heart goes out to her because she was so convinced that she was pregnant. Hearts, Miss B. It will happen!