I’m still trying to avoid the regular blogging and blog reading but I felt the need to document today. I thought today might be difficult — and it was. I was doing a good job of keeping it at the back of my mind but a few things happened.
First, I finished The Time Traveler’s Wife which had a totally heartbreaking ending, but I was so thrilled with where the story went. It started slow and kind of difficult to follow and then finally all of the pieces clicked. Really great book.
Next, seeing as it’s Mother’s Day today my husband and I decided to call our moms. First up: my mom — a complete basket case. She was having a terrible day and from my opinion is being completely selfish. The tiniest things in life set her off — finances, work, the kinds of hings that affect us all every day. She narrows in on the negative all the time. When I offered suggestions to help her look at the bright side, she scoffed. I explained that life is short, too short to worry about little things. If you have the power to change something (like a work issue) then do it! This attitude of her has been going on for some time but usually I hear about it from my dad. My mom usually never opens up to me, which is why I think I never open up to her. I think today must have been especially bad for her if she vented to me. She actually said she wished she’d get in a car accident because she hates her life so much. Can you believe that?! I think the woman need serious antidepressants but god forbid I try to mention something like that to her – she’d bite my head off!
I am not sure how to help her but I just can’t take his extra burden right now. I want to shake her and tell her that life could be so much worse! She has everything she’s ever wanted! She has her health and her husband’s health (my dad has had heart issues in the past), a job, a home, a weekend getaway place, and two children. I have been through so much that I should be the one complaining about how bad my life is, but I don’t. I am hopeful. Things always work out. Focusing on the negative will do nothing to help the situation move forward. But still, the desire to shake her and tell her what I’ve been going through is so strong! Maybe it will give her some perspective. Siiiiigh.
Lastly, right after that debacle, we spoke to my mother-in-law. I’ve said it before, but this woman is a true saint. Like seriously, an angel walking among us. After much chatter and thank yous for the gift we sent, she ever so sweetly stressed that it would be my turn to share in Mother’s Day very soon. When my husband hung up, we embraced and this is when the waterworks started flowing. I know she’s right. It will be soon. However, it simply became too much. I tried hard not to think about what today should be, but I suppose it’s good to let it out every once in a while.
After some wine and comfort food, I’m doing just fine. I’m back to my hopeful self. It’s just that sometimes the waiting really gets to you. An IFer has to have patience of steel. Without it, you’d seriously go crazy.
I have beta #10 tomorrow and since I’ve been feeling some action in my lady bits, I’ve started monitoring for ovulation. So far there are just super faint lines. I’m pretty sure my hCG is back to zero. My CM started flowing again last week so I think we’re headed in the right direction. I was thinking today about how excited my body must be to ovulate. The last time my ovaries pushed out an egg or 18 was back in January. This is my first cycle since then where my ovaries can do their thing naturally.
Even though we’re “taking a break” we’ll never really be on a break. As a matter of fact, I bet we won’t be on an official break until we’ve had at least two — maybe, hopefully three — successful pregnancies. Okay, I won’t be greedy. We’ll certainly be happy with one baby, but I’m hoping to go big.