I’ve already accepted that this cycle didn’t work. I’ve accepted that there must be something preventing implantation. I’ve accepted that we’ve had terrible luck. I’ve dealt with the grief of yet another failed cycle.

But now I’m pissed. And apparently being pissed makes me so angry that I want to cry. Or punch people in the neck.

Siiiigh. To try to find positivity in today, I’m wearing a very pretty, very girly Anthropologie dress. I’m wearing heels and lots of pretty make up, appropriate for daytime of course. And I have on a pink cardigan and sparkly pink earrings.

So yes, as the title of this post states, the BFN was just confirmed. And here I am four failed cycles and nine embryos later. OMG, I’m one of those IVF veterans I thought I’d never be. It’s crazy! I’m still not pregnant!

I honestly have no regrets about our previous four cycles. I’m not mad at our RE. When I saw the nurse this morning, I could tell she’s as surprised and probably almost as upset as I am. Something’s obviously not working, but my RE isn’t willing to do the testing I want so we’re moving on (although he does want to meet next Friday). I am thankful that we were lucky enough to have a great IVF cycle where we made beautiful embryos and we were able to give 9 of them a chance at life.

Now we close a chapter and we begin a new one. We feel really great about our new RE and I have two friends that he helped get pregnant. (Friends, I should say, that I would have never met had I not started this blog or been an avid Baby Center message board freak back when I was doing IUIs.)

I am again choosing hope. This choice doesn’t come easy to me at this point in the game because it takes real focus to choose that path, but we’re still hanging on to hope for dear life.

Thank you to all of you for your continued support, your hope, your kind comments. I want to hug you all in real life right this instant.



12 responses to “FET #3: BFN

  1. I just wanted to tell you that I’m here, holding your hand, and I wish you the very very best for your IVF #2. It’s b-s that you are now one of the vets that you never hoped to be. I love your attitude to choose hope and I think you are an amazing person.

  2. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. Your experience post-for-post was my exact first IVF, although the RE called it a chemical pregnancy at first, then a very early miscarriage. But – I’ve read that the faster you go on to IVF #2, the more likely you are to get pregnant, especially if you’ve had a chem preg or miscarriage. It actually was true for us although we were forced to convert IVF #2 to an IUI (damn IVF lab had to close right when we needed them to be open…)
    I think you’re BRILLIANT for making a list of antibody tests you want done. I wish I had insisted on things I KNEW were wrong so much earlier than I did! It would’ve saved us so much time! Hold firm and insist on getting the tests you need!

  3. So sorry for the bfn. I agree, if your re won’t do the testing it’s time to find someone who will. I bet you look really pretty today. You will have to post a picture of your dress.

  4. Im so sorry and am pissed for you. You should definitely choose hope, it’s the only path that will lead you to your goal. Just think about all of those beautiful embies you created and that you CAN get pregnant! Hopefully this new R.E will bring you new information and answers.
    Hang in there.

  5. Kate

    I’m still in the sad/depressed stage and haven’t moved on to anger. I need to follow your lead and dress “pretty” to feel better. I’ve been schlubbing around in sweats for the past three days with scraggly pony-tail. Hope the new RE has good ideas. I’m meeting w/ our new RE tomorrow and am actually asking about some of the tests that you were researching. Thanks!!

  6. KHBetterTogether

    Once again you amaze me with your great attitude/outlook. I am glad that you have a new RE who is willing to help you figure out what is going on!
    Amazing how looking pretty makes you feel better, sounds a lot healthier than sitting around in sweats.
    Looking forward to what the new and old RE have to say..
    Hugs again

  7. Jessica

    BFN’s are never easy to deal with, but you seem to have a great attitude. I wish you luck with your new RE!! ((HUGS))

  8. bir

    Sending you hugs and wishing you gentle days through the pissed off bit. Choosing hope… I like it. Keep doing it. x

  9. are you keeping your appt with dr C on friday? i’d love to hear what the man has to say … put back 10 embryos, perhaps? pissed off sounds about right. i’m pissed off on your behalf as well. i have a really great feeling about dr T though, and i know he’ll get the job done. sending you big big big hugs :o)

  10. ilana

    HUGS- this wasnt what i was expecting to see on your blog. I hope you get some answers soon they have to get it right! for now treat yourself good!

  11. katery

    ugh, i’m so sorry, the hardest part for me was not being able to control whether or not i got pregnant. that and not knowing if i would be able to get pregnant or not, i thought, if i could just know, yes, you will gt pregnant but it won’t be for two years, or no you’ll never get pregnant, if i could just KNOW, i thought, i might be able to handle this.

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After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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