Stings

I’ve been doing a lot of Google Reader reorganization lately. A lot of you are moving from TTCing and IVFing to BFPs and some of you BFPers and moving to Babies. My Babies and BFP blog lists are getting longer than my IVF list. Can’t lie. I’m feeling a bit left behind. Don’t get me wrong, I know my turn will come soon, but it still stings. I’m becoming one of those never-ending pity-party IF cases.

Wanna know what else stings a little? (I hesitate to continue because I don’t mean to offend anyone by this. I am honestly so happy for each and every one of you who have crossed over, but I can be honest about my feelings here because this is my space, right? If this does offend you, I’m sorry.) It hurts to see someone be negative about the possibility of a BFP becoming a reality and then see them go on to get it. I have tried so hard for 4 cycles* this year to maintain a really positive attitude and I’m still left empty-handed. I know I’ve had bad days — I’m not perfect — but I’ve fought hard to keep the negative thoughts out of my head. I do plan to keep with the positive outlook because honestly, that’s the only way I know how to deal with the pain, and I hope one day (soon) it will pay off.

There I said it. These are the things that sting right now. Thank you for letting me get it off my chest. And thank you for not being offended.

*Isn’t it terrible that for all of 2010, I’ve only had 4 real tries at having a baby so far? IVF cycles take about 2 months and I did 4 (fresh and frozen) so there’s 8 months down the drain and then add in a month for miscarriage recovery and a month for a break and here we are. Nine months in and nada. Fifth time’s a charm? Isn’t that what they say?

14 responses to “Stings

  1. cgd

    I have been feeling the same way and I know this is something really hard to say out loud. It is hard to watch all of these people come to IF land and leave while you stand in the same spot. it feels so unfair, like we should all stay here for the exact same amount of time or something. I hope you can keep a spostive attitude, I find that hard to do at times.
    p.s. I am not very far away if you need a fellow IF shoulder to cry on!!! feel free to email me at cgd.adventures@yahoo.com

  2. R – The whole IF process sucks. And while we are standing in two different spots right now, I can actually relate to what you are saying. I’ll admit it – I’m probably one of those pessimists that annoyed you. But for me, it’s much easier to be a pessimist and think nothing will work (and be happily surprised when it does) than it is for me to get my hopes up each time, just to have them dashed. My hopes were very high when I did FET #1. And when it resulted in a BFN, I was crushed. So with FET #2, I purposefully didn’t get my hopes up (and was, of course, elated to see that BFP). I’m glad that you are able to maintain a positive outlook – it’s incredible. And I continue to pray and hope that all of that hard work on your part will result in your sticky BFP VERY soon!
    XOXO
    The not-offended Maddy

  3. I’ve tried both strategies…staying positive, being negative and neither worked. It is painful to be left behind and alone in your struggle. I am still bitter that this anorexic woman I know got pregnant thru IVF on her second cycle. If SHE can have a baby (twins, actually), why can’t I have a baby? Why am I forsaken? Everyone has different things that rub them the wrong way. Some people may find me, dealing with my 2ndary infertility, to be obnoxious. We are all allowed these emotions. And, maybe by admiting them, we can realize that they all come from a place of fear and pain.

  4. Uh yeah, I have been there and I was too afraid to articulate my envy. IF is so unfair.

  5. I’ve been there, too. God only knows how many times I’ve said, “It’s not fair.” But, then I’ve just pulled myself together and moved on.

    I’ve always, always admired your positive attitude. One of these days (hopefully sooner than later) both of us will have our BFPs and then we’ll have something to really be positive about. I guess until then we have to just grin and bear it.

  6. I did not blog for very long before I got my BFP, but I’d felt enough of “left behind” even before I entered blogging world when women got pregnant who started trying long after us. And then reading of you guys bloggers, your stories just clarified for me my own feelings. And how normal it is to feel all the negativity.

    Everybody deals differently with this situation. I tried everything, be positive, hopeful or to be completely convinced that that cycle was it. Then I tried to step back and just felt blank going through 2ww. Knowing that we will get another BFN, at least I wouldn’t be that disappointed. Regardless of my approach, I was always very very hurt. So it did not seem to matter where I stood before.

    In some ways, it’s hard to get a BFP. Especially among all the suffering in blogging world you quite don’t know what to do that your own is gone but you still see it around, and you still hurt for the other women. And of course you’re scared to death that you’ll be sent back to infertility land in no time.

    I’ve been following your story since I started blogging and I will until you get pregnant. I wish we can see your struggle end at the end of your upcoming IVF.

  7. Girl you have every right to let it out this is your safe place. It’s ok to have bad days no one is perfect and this IF road does suck. It’s hard to understand why we are struggling so hard when others get pregnant without even thinking about it or wanting it. It’s ok to envy the BFP’s I think we all have felt that way.

    I am sending you a big hug. Your day in the sun is coming and the feeling will be amazing.

  8. I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable whatsoever. This is YOUR space to share them, and I’m glad you did/do.

    I’ve struggled a lot with other people’s success, and how they handle it as well. But sometimes I think my hurt is mostly a result of the whole “being left behind” deal. It sucks, no two ways about it. And you’ve had a helluva year – not so sure I would be strong enough to do all that in such a short amount of time.

    Here’s to number five.

  9. I wish I could be as positive as you are. My husband is like you, and I used to be. I am amazed by your strength 🙂

  10. It definitely is hard to be left behind. I’ve had several friends start going to an RE long after me and pregnant faster and I feel like they have cut in line!

    I think it’s great to be positive and sometimes I really wish I could be more positive about this whole situation but it’s difficult to keep the negative thoughts from sneaking in.

  11. I am starting to feel left behind too… It’s so hard to watch so many other TTCers pass me by. Holding out hope for my ivf…

  12. Jessica

    I have been reading TTC blogs for a year and a half and 90% of them are now pregnant or have babies. I am happy for them, but am sad for myself. It feels like I am the only one who is left behind!!

  13. 5th time IS the charm.

    As someone who was on the other side for a very very long time, this totally resonates with me. It is very hard losing bloggie friends from the trenches. Of course you are happy for them, you just want it for you TOO. I actually had to completely stop doing twitter last spring b/c it was taken over by preggos. Now, love these ladies, but reading their nausea or whatev updates everyday just twisted the knife deeper. It’s so hard, b/c we love each other and support each other, but jealousy knows no bounds.

    Anyway, not a moment goes by where I “forget” what I’ve been through and what so many of us are still going through. I will always always always be rooting for you R. And for what it’s worth, I believe in my heart of hearts that your time is coming with this new RE and THIS upcoming IVF cycle. Your stars are about to align, believe!!!! xoxo

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Welcome!

After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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