Today’s posts are brought you you by It’s All About Me.
Thanks for your comments on my last post. These BCPs are making me slightly crazy, irritable, and some days I just want to scream so thank you for bearing with me. I kinda feel like the loner kid eating lunch all by herself and the rest of you are all at the cool kids table. I always got to sit at the cool kids table throughout my life so maybe IF is life’s revenge.
Sigh. It feels good to get things off your chest, doesn’t it?
I understand why one might want to be pessimistic during a cycle. I get it. I really, truly do. Besides, it’s so hard to have hope during all of this. We’ve all been let down before so why should we believe now is going to be it?
I guess to add more detail to how I’m feeling I’ll share with you that when I’m feeling particularly down about a given cycle, I start to feel guilty. Guilty that I’m letting my baby down. That already I’m starting his or her life out with negativity. I want this so badly that I want to protect my baby before it’s even a baby. That’s just how I feel. I know that everyone is different but that’s the sneak peek into R’s nutty head.
And for me the pain of a BFN is the same no matter what. I’m sure for some of you the pain is different when your hopes come crashing down, but for me — the girl who’s been trying for 33 months, including 4 IUIs and 4 IVF/frozen cycles, with only 1 miscarriage and 1 chemical pregnancy to show for it — the pain is exactly the same every time. In the early days, I had cycles where I was pretty negative and it hurt just the same. As a matter of fact, I know that pain all too well. I’m not trying to say that my pain is worse because I’ve tried longer or tried harder or injected more meds or anything like that. It’s just for me the pain is always there. It hasn’t gone away yet. And it fucking stings.
Wow, I’m on the verge of tears today. What is wrong with me?!
Kate is right. I’m scared. I’m fearful. I don’t want to even list the “what ifs” because I’m not going to let myself think about them. But the fear is definitely present.
This is where my eternal optimism always comes in so handy. [Deep breaths.] We’re trying again with new everything. New RE at a new clinic. New acupuncturist. New protocol. New tests. New eggs. New sperm. A fresh start. This is going to work.
Starting meds two weeks from Saturday. How cute. A new kinda of two week wait. Hold on tight, it’s about to get even more emotional.
Thanks again for sticking around and for your ongoing support. I think you know how much it means.