Thank You

Today’s posts are brought you you by It’s All About Me.

Thanks for your comments on my last post. These BCPs are making me slightly crazy, irritable, and some days I just want to scream so thank you for bearing with me. I kinda feel like the loner kid eating lunch all by herself and the rest of you are all at the cool kids table. I always got to sit at the cool kids table throughout my life so maybe IF is life’s revenge.

Sigh. It feels good to get things off your chest, doesn’t it?

I understand why one might want to be pessimistic during a cycle. I get it. I really, truly do. Besides, it’s so hard to have hope during all of this. We’ve all been let down before so why should we believe now is going to be it?

I guess to add more detail to how I’m feeling I’ll share with you that when I’m feeling particularly down about a given cycle, I start to feel guilty. Guilty that I’m letting my baby down. That already I’m starting his or her life out with negativity.  I want this so badly that I want to protect my baby before it’s even a baby. That’s just how I feel. I know that everyone is different but that’s the sneak peek into R’s nutty head.

And for me the pain of a BFN is the same no matter what. I’m sure for some of you the pain is different when your hopes come crashing down, but for me — the girl who’s been trying for 33 months, including 4 IUIs and 4 IVF/frozen cycles, with only 1 miscarriage and 1 chemical pregnancy to show for it — the pain is exactly the same every time. In the early days, I had cycles where I was pretty negative and it hurt just the same. As a matter of fact, I know that pain all too well. I’m not trying to say that my pain is worse because I’ve tried longer or tried harder or injected more meds or anything like that. It’s just for me the pain is always there. It hasn’t gone away yet. And it fucking stings.

Wow, I’m on the verge of tears today. What is wrong with me?!

Kate is right. I’m scared. I’m fearful. I don’t want to even list the “what ifs” because I’m not going to let myself think about them. But the fear is definitely present.

This is where my eternal optimism always comes in so handy. [Deep breaths.] We’re trying again with new everything. New RE at a new clinic. New acupuncturist. New protocol. New tests. New eggs. New sperm. A fresh start. This is going to work.

Starting meds two weeks from Saturday. How cute. A new kinda of two week wait. Hold on tight, it’s about to get even more emotional.

Thanks again for sticking around and for your ongoing support. I think you know how much it means.

Xo,

R.

9 responses to “Thank You

  1. I’m not sure if this is much consolation, but I was never cool and never got to sit at the cool kids table. I’m a total nerd.

    🙂

    When do get back the results of all of your blood letting? I hope you’ll have some answers before you start the stimulation phase.

  2. Nicole

    Hang in there! I am impressed you continue to be strong and keep fighting for what you really want! I get so pessimistic and emotional myself…the drugs totally contribute. Im in the 2ww of my 3rd FET…Ive got one more to try and then its “what the hell do we do now??”. I have a bracelet on my wrist, for breast cancer month actually, that says FAITH…every time Ive looked at it, it reminds me to have faith during all this as well. Hopefully we’ll both have our new additions brewing soon!

  3. The BCP made me a hot mess, too. And the fear is understandable. And you’re right. THIS IS GOING TO WORK.

  4. CW

    Oh honey. Soon it will be our turn to be rearranged on blog rolls and to move to a birth board or whatever rocks our world. We can be the parents with “baby on board”, post photos of our ultrasounds on facebook, will breast feed in public and talk about our sleepless nights with little Johnny. I admire you for being so strong to go back and do it again. It has been a huge year for you no doubt about it. One day this will all be a memory for us and just one part of our lives we had to get through. Stay strong and stay with those positive thoughts.

  5. Amy

    I’m with Genevieve, BCPs and Lupron spun me right off my axis. We are all with you. Your attitude is inspiring and even the brightest superstar has moments of doubt, pessimism and rollercoaster emotions…you are in great company. Nothing like a fresh start. It IS going to work.

  6. I like your positive outlook on things. You have a fresh start this cycle and I hope this is it.

  7. I had an IUI today and on the way there in the car, while I was sitting on the table waiting for the nurse to come, while I was waiting after the IUI and in the car ride back, I kept saying out loud, “This is going to work.” I figured it couldn’t hurt to put that out to the universe!

  8. Well, kudos for you for keeping a positive attitude. And, if it hurts no matter what if the result is bad, why not??

    Oh, BTW, I think we’ll be doing cycles about the same time. Mine just got pushed back b/c they found out I have endometritis (not to be confused w/ endometriosis!). So, we can be positive together!

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Welcome!

After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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