Saying Goodbye

I had my last acupuncture session today. I suppose today is sort of another graduation. I love acupuncture so much but at the same time, I’ve come to associate it with infertility. I think I need some time away from it again. As I approach the second trimester, I need to say goodbye to dwelling in that part of my life. I may pick up acupuncture again later in pregnancy if a need arises, but I think this is it for now.

Besides, my acupuncturist is located in my RE’s clinic and it’ll be good to not return. Every time I walk in there I have a shit-eating grin on my face because I’m so damn happy that I got pregnant within those walls. How annoying I must be to those waiting for their turn! Smiles are hard to come by in an REs office! And if I decide to seek acupuncture in the next 6 months I wouldn’t go back there even though I really like that acupuncturist because I don’t want to offend ladies in the waiting room with my belly. How awful that would be!

Back to the saying goodbye to yesterday…

I’m struggling a bit to find the new me. For nearly 3 years, my life was consumed with getting to where I am today. I have pushed friends away. I have forgotten who I am, what I like to do, where I want to go. I’m in this weird rut. It reminds me of exactly how I felt after I finished grad school. For 3 years, I was working full-time, going to school at night and studying in my free time. Oh and I planned a wedding in 5 months in there as well. When I graduated I found myself with all this free time that I had no idea what to do with. So I filled it up with work. I was always “on.” I worked late and I constantly checked my Blackberry. I was busy and I was successful in my career.

Fast forward a few years and I threw out the BCPs. I was still working hard, long days and my cycles were out of whack (60+ days!). I started acupuncture and got my cycles on track-ish. I decided to change jobs to one much less stressful and much more fun which allowed me space to have a bit of a life again, which was quickly gobbled up by TTC.

Fast forward another few years of TTC and IF bullshit and here I am. In 6 months or so, I’ll be a mother. This is exactly what I fought so hard for. But now what? I need to get back to who I am. I need to get my gusto back. I’m sure some of this rut thing has to do with the hormones raging through my body right now. All I want to do is go directly home after work, watch bad TV and go to sleep. Not the most effective way to get your life back. But I’m working on it.

I think exercise will help. Anyone have any good pregnancy yoga DVDs they can recommend? I also have access to a pool so I think I’ll do some swimming this weekend.

I can do it. I need to do it so I can be the best mom I can be. I will do it.

12 responses to “Saying Goodbye

  1. Jen

    I did Pilates rather than yoga during pregnancy (but I do really like both), but this DVD is good:

    Also, for a much more “kick-butt” workout, Summer Sanders’ prenatal DVD is really good!

  2. The title of your post scared me but am breathing easier now. You still have your gusto, you are still giving motherhood your all. Your taking it on like your last grad paper. It’s ok to want to lay on the couch and rest. That’s what your babies need. You are going to be a great mother.

    My doctor said I could still workout as long as I don’t get my heartrate over 140 and I don’t do abs. So I continue doing a sculpting class and changed my zumba class to aqua zumba. Do workouts that you love in moderation.

  3. I am so glad that you are taking the next step towards life. I had the same issue where I associated acu to IF and stopped in right after ET. I love it but have never gone back. Maybe I will get over that misconception in the coming years.

    Also, I am interested to hear abt any good prenatal yoga DVDs that you come across. Looking forward to following your story. 🙂

  4. Johanna

    I found your blog on an IF blogroll and had to comment. My DD is a result of IVF/ICSI. After becoming pregnant, I struggled a long time with belonging…I didn’t feel like I DID belong anywhere. I was no longer actively struggling with infertility but I sure didn’t fit in with the average fertile moms. I’m slowly finding my niche and rediscovering who Johanna is, not Johanna whoistryingtogetpregnant. 🙂 It takes a while, though; my daughter just turned 18 months old and IF still haunts me to a degree.

    Anyway, just wanted to say that it’s completely normal to feel this way and I’ve been there! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

  5. I still don’t know where I belong, and I’m 33 weeks in. I tried getting together with some other expectant ladies. I just couldn’t wrap my head around their confidence. None of them spoke in hushed tones, or worried that if they bought something it would jinx the pregnancy. From the moment they saw two pink lines, they felt confident telling everyone, decorating the nursery, etc. So foreign to me. Who thinks that two lines really means you’ll bring a baby home? And yet, what kind of woman DOESN’T expect that?

  6. cw

    I must admit your blog title scared me too! I can understand it is like we are in a different sub group and don’t really belong. We would want to gush (see how I am already postively manifesting in we, cause it will be me!) but too scared as everything else has gone wrong so far in TTC. I understand with the study this is normally the time i would be heading back to the books and working FT and now I am a bit well what do I do now? The time has now come for you to fully embrace your pregnancy and enjoy the lead up to becoming a mum. Aqua areobics would be great too as an exercise or even just nice walks on the beach (or parks!)

  7. As I’ve been in bed all week, I’m just doing one reply for the week 🙂

    Yay maternity pants! I’m never wearing normal pants again, i swear, LOL.

    As for telling people, I’m rather surprised you aren’t shouting it from the rooftops – I did. Well, at least from the front porch, and FB and anywhere I could. And you’ve got 2 kiddos in there….the time is near, b/c hiding it will be hard 🙂

    I had a hard time going to the RE for the appointments for 4 weeks following BFP and beign that shit-eating grinning person…felt GUILTY! While I was sad to see my doc go, I was happy to not be THAT PERSON in the REs office.

    I missed a couple in there. LOL. Sorry. I heart you 🙂 And no more scaring me with “Saying Goodbye” titles!!!

  8. yea for graduating from the acupuncture person in your re’s office 😉 Good luck in finding yourself again and finding a good video.

  9. wait, what?

    I also struggled with my identity while pregnant. And I also had a very difficult time telling people I was pregnant. It’s unfortunate but I never enjoyed being pregnant. Because the IF experience is so full of loss and disappointment, I held on to fear as a way to protect myself. I couldn’t relate to any of my IRL pregnant or mommy friends. My husband and parents did not “get” why I was not unabashedly happy, after all i was finally pregnant.

    All I can say is the emotions are very complex, and those of us that have been there can completely relate. I did a lot of prenatal yoga, which was my favourite 90 minutes of the week. At about 32 weeks, I was too physically uncomfortable to keep up the yoga as my twin pregnancy really took a toll on my body towards the end…. I really missed it when I couldn’t go. Whatever it is, just find something that can help you to relax and be present in your pregnancy.

    The one thing I can promise is that IF will NOT impact your ability to be a good mom. If anything, it will make you patient and calm, and incredibly appreciative. I don’t take anything for granted with my babies. Taking care of two newborns is no easy task and whenever things get hairy, I remind myself that I’m incredibly lucky and the babies are worth every minute of lost sleep.


  10. Nicole

    Enjoy the bad tv and sleep while you can! Once those babies arrive, you can throw it all out the window! Even now, with our 18mo old…there is no tv or sleep…even he wont watch tv! Its wonderful and amazing but so tiring at the same time…but you’ll do great!

  11. I think those of us who have been through IF can all relate to your concerns. I can’t even go on normal “pregnancy” websites (like the bump or babycenter) because everyone is so different there. I’ve also never known anyone IRL who has struggled (literally 2-3 months trying before getting their BFP was a long time for everyone I know).

    This may make me sound like a “loner”, but since we moved to our new city we’ve been pretty wrapped up in work and our own lives and besides acquaintances, we haven’t really developed deeper freindships with anyone. Now, with this baby coming, I’m kind of happy about that. I just want my husband and I to have our little private place where we know how hard we worked to get here, we know how scary each day and week is, we know how intimidating it is to think about the next time we have to go through this.

    I know I’ll probably reach out to others once I have my bundle of joy, but for now, I just enjoy being kind of private and secluded.

    You are going to be great when the baby comes! You are smart to relax and veg a little now and “find yourself” You will, (we all will). Pregnancy (and motherhood) is just a completely different place than the IF place. It’s a better place! We just need to get used to being here.

  12. I’m in a rut too. i have never spent so much time in my bed. i have no muscle tone anymore. I always envisioned myself as an active pregnant lady. so far, not so much. I think the “take it easy” orders of IVF and my first few weeks just became my lifestyle. Good luck to you at getting moving and getting that mojo back.

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After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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