New Focus

While fighting the long, hard battle of IF, I lost myself personally and professionally. For example, at home I would sit down at the computer and not know what I came there to do. All I could think about were search terms like TTC, RE, IUI, ovulation, cervical mucus, IVF, FET, success rates, and the list goes on and on. I poured over your blogs. I wanted so badly to find someone just like me who made it to the other side. I wrote about my emotions on this blog. You came and supported me. (I am grateful, as I’ve said many times before.)

And at work, I feel like I just walked around all day in an IF haze. I googled and read blogs and message boards — even during meetings! It was like an addiction. I couldn’t stop.

But now I find myself with a new outlook. A new focus. Personally, I’m not approaching pregnancy the same way I approached infertility. I am still reading your blogs, but I’m not looking for someone just like me anymore. I’m no longer lost when I sit down in front of the computer. I am not googling every pain or twitch. I am letting myself enjoy this pregnancy and it feels so right. Finally.

Professionally, I’ve also found my focus at work. As if you couldn’t tell due to my decrease in blogging, I now have less time during the day due to my new found focus. I am so frickin’ on it! It feels so wonderful to be a productive member of my company again (although, I don’t think anyone noticed I was slacking). Watch out! I am kicking ass and taking names! I’m a force to be reckoned with in the workplace.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I think I found the old me. The old me who’s becoming a new me — and a mommy — but a new me who won’t let herself be tied down by IF any longer. Fuck you, infertility. I know you’re still there (and unexplained at that!) and I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m not letting you pull me down ever again.

9 responses to “New Focus

  1. Yay! I’m so glad that you’re enjoying the pregnancy and focusing on all the other non-IF things in life. That’s the way it should be!

    P.S. You are too cute with your baby belly and bikini!

  2. Ha! I loved this post! Welcome back!!! 🙂

  3. Wow, I feel like I could have written this post myself. So true! I am right behind you in my twin pregnancy (16 weeks) and had your blog as an inspiration to keep me going during my IVF wait. I am loving every second of being pregnant and not obsessing over IF anymore.

  4. my infertile confessions

    I completely relate to this post! IF really messed me up! I was fighting depression and it wasn’t til I gave up control and gave my stuggles over to God that I was better. It no longer became who I was, just a piece of me. I am now pregnant with twins as well, but I will never forget the heartache that took me toget to this point!

  5. I can relate to this post too. I feel like I have crossed into a new place. I can read blogs about women who became pregnant without assistance and still enjoy them. I think it’s wonderful. I’ll never forget and I still LOVE to read about IF’ers graduating into a pregnancy and I still mourn with them when they have failures, but I can let that side go and just be pregnant, a soon-to-be mommy. I love it.

  6. I just love this post! I totally hear ya! It feels so amazing to finally be unleashed from infertility and allowed to experience life as it should be! Amen sista!!

  7. Jem

    Wow, you described the IF fog I’ve been in perfectly! I’m so glad you gained new focus and are on fire at work. Good for you!

  8. Jane

    You go, girl!

  9. You have amazingly awesome energy and karma, love it! Keep on keeping on, you’re kicking so much ass!! xoxo

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After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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