While fighting the long, hard battle of IF, I lost myself personally and professionally. For example, at home I would sit down at the computer and not know what I came there to do. All I could think about were search terms like TTC, RE, IUI, ovulation, cervical mucus, IVF, FET, success rates, and the list goes on and on. I poured over your blogs. I wanted so badly to find someone just like me who made it to the other side. I wrote about my emotions on this blog. You came and supported me. (I am grateful, as I’ve said many times before.)
And at work, I feel like I just walked around all day in an IF haze. I googled and read blogs and message boards — even during meetings! It was like an addiction. I couldn’t stop.
But now I find myself with a new outlook. A new focus. Personally, I’m not approaching pregnancy the same way I approached infertility. I am still reading your blogs, but I’m not looking for someone just like me anymore. I’m no longer lost when I sit down in front of the computer. I am not googling every pain or twitch. I am letting myself enjoy this pregnancy and it feels so right. Finally.
Professionally, I’ve also found my focus at work. As if you couldn’t tell due to my decrease in blogging, I now have less time during the day due to my new found focus. I am so frickin’ on it! It feels so wonderful to be a productive member of my company again (although, I don’t think anyone noticed I was slacking). Watch out! I am kicking ass and taking names! I’m a force to be reckoned with in the workplace.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I think I found the old me. The old me who’s becoming a new me — and a mommy — but a new me who won’t let herself be tied down by IF any longer. Fuck you, infertility. I know you’re still there (and unexplained at that!) and I still have a long road ahead of me, but I’m not letting you pull me down ever again.