21 Weeks and a TP Review

I’m 21 weeks today and I have the belly and internal kicks to prove it. I get another peek at the lil ones next Thursday for my bi-weekly cervix check and my first ever fFN test (which then continue bi-weekly as well)! I did confirm that the fFN test is done with a swab and no speculum is needed. I told the doc in not so many words, “I mean, come on. I already have to have the dildocam shoved up my hooha, can you at least spare me the speculum?”. And the answer was yes. Whew!

Now on to my TP Review. As a woman who now constantly pees all day and all night, I feel completely equipped to provide an accurate assessment of toilet paper and toilet paper dispensers.

Let’s start with toilet paper. First of all, if you can buy it at an office supply store then the purchaser should be fired. What is that godawful stuff? I think it literally got shaved from a tree and then promptly rolled tight in a thin, single layer, and shipped to a fulfillment center. Awful. Yuck. I mean if you have to do extra wiping for something other than peeing, your poor butt gets wiped raw. It’s like wiping with shards of toothpicks. Ooo, sorry for that visual.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m a toilet paper snob. I spend money on the good stuff (I prefer Charmin). Only the best for my lady bits! You know the kind: soft, fluffy, hundred-ply. It’s like wiping with a cloud from heaven. I’m seriously considering taking a roll with me each time I go to the bathroom at work.

Work toilet paper: FAIL
Home toilet paper: A+

Now onto the dispensers. These ones rock:

This is the kind I have at home. It’s attractive. It allows you to pull on the roll without having to touch the roll. Nice and sanitary. And extra nice if you’re using the cloud-like toilet paper.

The dispensers at work are like this:

One benefit to this type of dispenser is that there’s always a back-up roll. So if roll #1 is empty you don’t have to waddle to the next stall with your pants down, decide to drip dry, or beg the women next to you for a wad of toothpick shards. One point for back-up rolls!

However, there are several problems with this kind of dispenser. Because of the dual roll set up, if the top roll isn’t in right, the bottom roll won’t dispense properly. You end up tearing off single ply sheet by single ply sheet, and sometimes just pieces of a single ply sheet. And if you’re anything like me, you’re hovering because why in the hell would you sit your bare butt on a nasty ass public toilet seat. So you can imagine that in the hovering position, it is quite frustrating to have to coax the paper to come off the fricking roll. Sometimes I bypass this by simply skipping to the top roll. I’ve found that it usually rolls better when the bottom one is stuck. That or I push up on the top roll, and then the bottom roll spins more freely. In either situation, you’re likely using two hands which is not cool for a woman who is 21 weeks pregnant hovering over the toilet. All in all, not only does the paper suck, but the dispenser does too. Thumbs down!

Work toilet paper dispenser: FAIL
Home toilet paper dispenser: A+

Perhaps I should find a job where I can work from home. My lady bits would be much happier.

12 responses to “21 Weeks and a TP Review

  1. Haha, that’s great! I agree–I hate those ones where you have to tear of the paper. one. piece. at. a. time.

  2. Love the toilet paper and dispenser review! Congrats on 21 weeks. I’m interested to hear your review of the fFn test as well!

  3. I am a dedicated Charmin blue person, too. It is the best TP out there! I work at home, so I do get to enjoy it during the day 🙂 But with all my extra peeing, “we” have been going through TP alot faster recently! Anything for baby 🙂

  4. Amelia

    I don’t know…the good stuff has way too much lint. It puffs all over my damn bathroom and leaves bits behind. On my behind. 🙂 Very amusing though.

  5. I hate those dispensers that make you tear it off square by square. Do they really think that’s going to make me use less? I actually end up tearing off more than I need just to show them! Which really only punishes the poor tree that gave up it’s life so I could wipe myself with sandpaper.
    I love the TP that has the little yellow puppy on the package. I can’t remember what brand that is, but if they ever change their mascot, I’m screwed!

  6. This is hilarious and so true!!

  7. Hilarious.

    You could bring your own to work… 😉

  8. OMG I hate that kind of TP. Have you had to do a urine sample at your doc yet? They’re like, ok here’s the cleaning swabs, here’s the cup, now go in this public bathroom and collect. Ummm, so you want a huge pregnant woman to be able to execute this all while crouching and managing to rip off some TP from that stupid dispenser, too? They’re lucky I didn’t fall over and have to be lifted with a crane off their bathroom floor! haha. =)

  9. Hysterical! I love it and all of it is SO TRUE! I am a Charmin girl too. I can be a cheapo about some things, but not TP!! ha ha!!

  10. Congrats on 21 weeks and almost 22 now 😉 LOL I never thought that much about toilet paper before.

  11. dawn

    Hey I wanted to email you but couldnt find an email address on your site. Wanted to share some info but didnt want to post publically 🙂
    you could email me with your email addy and I can reply 🙂

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After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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