I’m 21 weeks today and I have the belly and internal kicks to prove it. I get another peek at the lil ones next Thursday for my bi-weekly cervix check and my first ever fFN test (which then continue bi-weekly as well)! I did confirm that the fFN test is done with a swab and no speculum is needed. I told the doc in not so many words, “I mean, come on. I already have to have the dildocam shoved up my hooha, can you at least spare me the speculum?”. And the answer was yes. Whew!
Now on to my TP Review. As a woman who now constantly pees all day and all night, I feel completely equipped to provide an accurate assessment of toilet paper and toilet paper dispensers.
Let’s start with toilet paper. First of all, if you can buy it at an office supply store then the purchaser should be fired. What is that godawful stuff? I think it literally got shaved from a tree and then promptly rolled tight in a thin, single layer, and shipped to a fulfillment center. Awful. Yuck. I mean if you have to do extra wiping for something other than peeing, your poor butt gets wiped raw. It’s like wiping with shards of toothpicks. Ooo, sorry for that visual.
If you couldn’t tell, I’m a toilet paper snob. I spend money on the good stuff (I prefer Charmin). Only the best for my lady bits! You know the kind: soft, fluffy, hundred-ply. It’s like wiping with a cloud from heaven. I’m seriously considering taking a roll with me each time I go to the bathroom at work.
Work toilet paper: FAIL
Home toilet paper: A+
Now onto the dispensers. These ones rock:
This is the kind I have at home. It’s attractive. It allows you to pull on the roll without having to touch the roll. Nice and sanitary. And extra nice if you’re using the cloud-like toilet paper.
The dispensers at work are like this:
One benefit to this type of dispenser is that there’s always a back-up roll. So if roll #1 is empty you don’t have to waddle to the next stall with your pants down, decide to drip dry, or beg the women next to you for a wad of toothpick shards. One point for back-up rolls!
However, there are several problems with this kind of dispenser. Because of the dual roll set up, if the top roll isn’t in right, the bottom roll won’t dispense properly. You end up tearing off single ply sheet by single ply sheet, and sometimes just pieces of a single ply sheet. And if you’re anything like me, you’re hovering because why in the hell would you sit your bare butt on a nasty ass public toilet seat. So you can imagine that in the hovering position, it is quite frustrating to have to coax the paper to come off the fricking roll. Sometimes I bypass this by simply skipping to the top roll. I’ve found that it usually rolls better when the bottom one is stuck. That or I push up on the top roll, and then the bottom roll spins more freely. In either situation, you’re likely using two hands which is not cool for a woman who is 21 weeks pregnant hovering over the toilet. All in all, not only does the paper suck, but the dispenser does too. Thumbs down!
Work toilet paper dispenser: FAIL
Home toilet paper dispenser: A+
Perhaps I should find a job where I can work from home. My lady bits would be much happier.