Momma Drama

No, not me — my momma.

As you long time followers know, I’ve sort of always had a bit of a contentious relationship with my mom. Pregnancy has simply magnified things. She’s very clearly projecting her wants and desires onto me and this pregnancy. She’s been driving me nuts, but I’ve been working very hard to let it roll off my back. Her feelings get hurt if I comment on unsolicited advice she gives me (even if I’m joking). She’s extremely disappointed she can’t be here when they’re born — which by the way is ridiculous for the following reasons: 1) I’m delivering in the OR so it’s not really an option and 2) she lives in another state and works full time so she won’t be able to get (or afford) the time off, nor would she be able to get here quickly enough and 3) most importantly, we didn’t invite her to be here. Even if I lived close to her, I still wouldn’t. This experience is about my husband and I as we start a new chapter in our lives, not about my husband, my mom and I.

She’s also been driving me nuts because she will text me and ask how my doctor appointments go. Seriously? You’re going to text me and ask questions like What do the babies weigh? and then Is your cervix holding tight?. Look, I am not going to be text messaging about my cervix. That is ridiculous. Why can’t she freaking just pick up the phone and call like any other normal person? So lame.

She also got extremely bent out of shape about a post I made on our family blog. I wrote about how we really want to promote individuality for our children, which means we want to avoid referring to them as ‘the twins’. This particular post wasn’t targeted at anyone in particular, but it was intended to share our plans about how we plan to raise our kids. She’s pretty attached to the idea of twins already and I think she has the whole matchy-matchy thing stuck in her head. She took the post personally. She’s not going to be very open to hearing about how we want to parent our children, I can tell already.

Sigh. These are only a few of examples of many.

Anyway, she sent me an email last weekend. Again, I wish she would just call me, but after reading the email I’m sure it would have been way too hard for her to get those words out. She commented about how this is really about how she’s feeling and she realizes that it’s separate from what I’m going through. She commented how motherhood was such a wonderful experience for her and what a special baby I was. She commented that she wished she could go back and do it all over again so that she could actually deserve to have me as a daughter (she was 18 when she got pregnant — this part totally made me feel sad for her). She commented that I have exceeded her expectations of success. Basically, she opened up, gave me some background on why she was feeling and acting the way she is, and did exactly what I’ve needed her to do — separate her feelings, anxieties, worries, wants and desires from mine. I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I called her, we talked about it, and all is good.

I know there will be more unsolicited advice to come and she’ll probably still get on my nerves a bit when she comes to visit, but she’s my mom and I love her and I can deal with the little stuff. I just needed her to stop forcing her “re-do” on my life.

6 responses to “Momma Drama

  1. I think it has to be a challenge for anyone to have their out of town mother come stay at such a stressful time when everyone is sleep deprived, but I’m happy for you that things seem to be taking a break from being so “dramatic”. My mom is wonderful and I have no complaints about our relationship at all, but I’m even slightly concerned about her visit (5 days after the baby is born).

    I totally agree that this time in all our lives is about us and our new little family, NOT the extended version of that family. It’s a personal choice of course. Some people wouldn’t dream of having a child without their mother right there in the room, but that’s not me for sure.

  2. So glad things are improving as you are getting close to delivering. The family stuff is so heavy. It’s enough to deal with the changes you and hubby are going through and all the extra unsolicited advice can get SO annoying. Hang in there. It sounds like you have great perspective and are generally able to let these annoyances roll off your back. I tend to explode! ha ha!!

  3. I’m sorry you have to deal with family drama at such a precious time. But I’m glad your mom did open up a little. Maybe it’s the start of something new? I know, my dad and I used to butt heads on EVERYTHING, and he had no end of “helpful” unsolicited parenting advice. It was really hard to draw a firm line that also didn’t hurt our already strained relationship. I’m grateful that we were able to do that now that he is gone. It’s hard to grieve for the loss of a parent that you had a strained relationship with, makes it all so complicated. So I really hope that you and your mom can start a new era, with her respecting you as an adult and mother. *hugs*

  4. that just made me cry. I thought what she said was really beautiful. I am sorry that she is driving you nuts (altho my mum does the same thing with IVF and don’t even get me started on my MIL) and I agree errrr no mum’s in the delivery room. Not long to go now sweetie, I can’t wait to see photos of your precious bundles 🙂

  5. almostif

    I am also having trouble with my Mum, and my problems are completely the other end of the spectrum, i.e. that she isn’t the least bit interested in my baby. Your post showed me how much you are willing to go through for your Mum, and made me realise how much I haven’t been compromising for mine. It also made me remember how I felt with my first baby, about not being left to do what I felt was best, and how things have changed! Most of all, it made me realise what I wanted to hear from my own Mum. One day, you’ll be that Mum watching your own children become parents for the first time. What will you tell them?

  6. I hear you. My mom still hasn’t figured out how to be close to the baby and I without living in our house. Since she’s states away she feels excluded even while she’s excluding herself. When I comment on anything she says, no matter how lightly or jokingly, her feelings are hurt for days. I wish you luck and patience. And I hope you look back and love welcoming your children in alone with your husband. It’s one of the best things we ever decided to do.

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After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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