Thanks Y’all

Thanks for your advice on my previous post. We opted to go on the date. We’re leaving shortly. I’m excited and I know the babies will be in good hands.

I feel badly about always posting about my mom, but please know that what I post is only the tip of the iceberg. My husband is the kindest, sweetest person who sees the good in everyone and even he has really had it with her (trust me, he’s not one to lose patience like that). She’s a very complicated person with some serious issues. She is in need of professional help from all sorts of medical professionals, but she will never admit that.

She is really great at making big deals out of small things as a way to mask how she’s really feeling about something bigger. When she used to do these types of things to me when I was younger, I would get caught up in her web because I couldn’t understand why she was making a big deal out of this small thing. I would get super frustrated because all of these extra emotions that have nothing to do with what you think the issue is are clouding what’s going on and before you know it, you’re confused what the issue was to begin with. A lot of what she gets upset about has to do with her idea of what should happen isn’t aligning with reality.

Like when I got married. She always imagined we’d hold hands and skip around while we looked at invitations and dresses and menus and flowers. In reality, I was working full time and in grad school at night so in my free time I made quick decisions on my own so we could get married in 5 months. She picked these little fights with me and at the time I couldn’t figure out what the heck the problem was. Looking back, she was mad that her idea of wedding planning with her daughter didn’t line up with reality. Instead of adjusting her ideas, she became irrational. Now the same thing is happening now that I’m a mom. She’s always had these ideas of what it would be like to go through pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood with her daughter and that’s not lining up with reality. (Like she’s mad she wasn’t in the delivery room with me when a) she wasn’t invited and b) it wouldn’t have been allowed even if I wanted her to be there.) When her ideas don’t equal reality, she can’t really roll with things.

On top of that, she vacillates between saying/doing something totally crazy and unreasonable to pretending nothing happened. For example, last time we were home (it was a surprise visit since we were escaping the hurricane) she was thankful that we were nearby and safe, and hoped we’d stop by for a visit. Of course we would, I told her! She said that they’d make any day work that worked for us. I suggested Monday or Tuesday. She said I could pick. I picked Monday. The next thing I know she’s freaking out that I ruined her plans and that Monday is inconvenient for her. (There were many more weird/crazy things she pulled out of the woodwork, but only makes this example more complicated). I’m thinking to myself What plans? You told me to pick the day!. I just called my dad and we worked out a day/time and I ignored my mom’s craziness. It was fine and we pretended she never had the meltdown. She does things like this all the time.

The weirdest part (or maybe the saddest) is that we don’t really have a relationship and we never have. I don’t think she knows how to have relationships with people. She’s very surface level. She has a very high wall up. She’s very lonely and has no close friends (but she used to; it’s sad). I’ve come to terms that that’s my mother and I shouldn’t expect anything more, but that’s why when she gets all bent out of shape because her romantic ideas of how her relationship should be with her daughter, I have a hard time going along. I want a mom that’s more than that, but that’s just not how she is. I know she is the way she is because of how she was raised, but I wish she could see that if she worked through her issues she could make her life better which would make her relationships better.

On that note, I think I’ll try to refrain talking about her here from now on, but I can’t promise. She has caused me a lot of stress in the two short months my boys have been in this world and I’m sure there’s more to come and this is where I vent.

7 responses to “Thanks Y’all

  1. Don’t apologize for writing what you’re feeling and experiencing on your own blog! That’s what we’re all here for… and it’s cheaper than therapy! 🙂 Parents are SO hard because you *obviously* love them and care what they think… but you also have to live your own life and figure out who you are and how your own family will function… and the two don’t always line up so well. I think it’s great that, even though there’s so much drama and miscommunication… and a little crazy thrown in for fun… it’s great that you are still trying to keep her as included in your life as possible. Hang in there and I hope your date is wonderful! 🙂

  2. I say vent away. It makes me feel less alone about my mom. They should hang out, they’d really hit it off. Or hate each other because they remind them of someone they don’t like….

  3. Lisa

    It’s your blog and they are your thoughts. Sometimes it is nice to read about someone else’s needy/irrational/somewhat crazy mother. It makes me feel like i haven’t been imagining things all these years and that I have reason to be frustrated with my own step-mother. Sorry its been so much drama since your 2 precious little men arrived. Try not to let her spoil it for you. I always said that I could deal with her drama, but the minute it started to affect my baby, I’d make some serious changes. Best of luck to you! And thank goodness for level headed husbands!

  4. My mother also has had to contend with the reality and dreamworld of our relationship. i think because it isn’t what she always imagined, she takes an overly formal stance to everything while being simultaneously mad about it. She sometimes wants to be invited to do something even though she invites herself other times. Those times change constantly, so there is no way to know when she’ll be offended. I think you’ve captured it perfectly with the inability to reconcile the reality of the relationship – in my family, at least i have my sister for that!

  5. I’m so sorry. What a great loss. I can’t imagine starting motherhood without my mom. I wish your mom could get past herself so she could be there for you!

  6. Stacey B

    I agree…vent away! It reminds the rest of us with crazy family members that we’re not alone. Plus, I think it helps to get the crap off your chest. Sometimes you just need to sound off, and it does make for an interesting read.

  7. I hope the date went well. I can relate so much to what you said. I also hope you get a break from issues from your mom for at least a little bit!

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Welcome!

After nearly 3 years of TTC and the help of ART, we got pregnant on our 5th IVF/FET transfer after IVF #2. Our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born on 7/15/11 at 37w0d.

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