38w4d

Pre labor kicked off with a vengeance on Sunday — something I’ve never dealt with. I was on my feet all morning and after a shower felt that I should sit down. I felt extreme pressure and lots of cramping. I felt terrible about that because it was SUCH A NICE DAY and the boys wanted to go to the park but we opted to read books instead. I couldn’t get very many pages in when the contractions started. They were intense and CLOSE! Like ~3 mins apart close. Yikes! I felt flushed and nauseous. This went on for an hour. I called my mom (who’s a 5hr drive away) and she hit the road. As soon as I called her, contractions stopped. Of course. Haha. 

One of the twins was so in tune with me and how I was feeling. He was SO sweet tending to me. The other two were oblivious, which was for the best.

Since then, I’ve had some minor contractions and some Braxton Hicks but nothing like Sunday. They hurt so badly I actually started thinking about an epidural (something I hope to avoid). My last guy was a med-free delivery and the contractions were never that bad until it was time to push.

Baby was measuring 8lb12oz at my 38w check up so he’s a big boy. His belly is at the 93rd percentile so that’s driving the overall weight. I’m eager to meet him — for my sake and for my vagina’s sake. 

Lone Ranger

We’re sure our family is complete with our three boys so we’ve been thinking about what to do with our one frozen embryo. Because we did CGH testing, the gender is known but we never wanted to find out. Now that we’re pretty sure we’re donating our embryo to science*, we wanted to find out the gender.

Why? Well I think a teensy tiny part of us was hoping it was a girl because then maybe, just MAYBE, we’d consider trying for a fourth child. But then you throw in the idea of a medicated cycle — the injections, the pills, the hormones — with the slim chance the embryo wouldn’t make the thaw. Or it would but you’re almost 40 and the chances of it resulting in a live baby is tiny so it would probably all be for naught. I just don’t think I have it in me to deal with all that hope and despair again. Not to mention the drugs. No thank you.

So we found out our Lone Ranger is a boy. I guess DH only makes boys. I am lucky enough to have three of the most beautiful boys and I already don’t have enough arms to snuggle them all at once like they so often want so we complete our (very busy!) family here.

But then again, we’ll probably just continue to pay the embryo storage fees because neither of us will want to let it go.

I can’t help but wonder if those 9 embryos we put back before the successful cycle with the twins were all girls? We make amazing little boys but maybe we’re just crap at making girls.

(*I wish we could be into the idea of embryo adoption but for very personal reasons, we’re not.)

And We’re Off!

Our movers packed us up and put our stuff in storage a little more than 4 weeks ago. Our family of five spent the night at a hotel a block away, then hopped on a week-long cruise departing from Manhattan the next morning.

One second, our apartment was in shambles awaiting our movers and the next, our new adventure had begun. Our only possessions (on us, anyway) were our suitcases, car seats, scooters and stroller.

The morning we left on our cruise, I woke before the babies and I heard Baby A say in his sleep, “Don’t go to work, mama. Don’t go to work.” It warmed my heart and reinforced my decision to know he’ll stop feeling that way soon.

The start of our adventure also happened to be Mother’s Day. I can’t think of a more fitting day to begin this journey. A new chapter!

More to come. I’ve decided to photo document our adventure via Instagram which I’m keeping private for now, but I think I’ll post a few memories here, too. Xo!

Adventure Time

I just quit my six-figure big city job to go on a year-long adventure with my three miracle babies. WTF am I doing? Gah! The enormity of this decision is settling in. I’m equal parts terrified and elated.

Why am I doing this? For a few reasons:
– Baby A is pretty attached so I’ve been thinking about this for several months.
– Seeing Baby C grow (he’s almost 9 months already, crawling, and has 8 teeth!) reminds me how quickly they grow up and I want to soak in this time.
– There’s only 1 year left before the twins are in pre-k so if we’re going to do something crazy, now is the time to do it.
– Our nanny quit. She was taking advantage of us and it came to a head when I pushed back so she walked. Good riddance, but I’m also sad because she has been a big part of the boys’ lives.
– Our lease is up. Our neighborhood is AMAZING but it is really expensive so it doesn’t make sense to stay. (Plus I’m tired of the looks and comments when people see me out with all 3 boys as if I’m some circus side show.)
– I’m bored with my job. I’ve been there for over 5 years. I need something new where I am challenged AND inspired.

So we’re off! Where to? Who knows. No, really we’re making our hometown our home base then every other month or so, we’ll travel around checking out new places to try next. The goal being to end up somewhere we’re ready to plant some roots for a bit at the end if the year-long adventure. And to really live life as a family. Too much of our time is spent stressing out trying to get things done between childcare and work and regular life (household stuff). This adventure will allow us to relax and soak things in a bit.

I plan to stay connected with my industry so that my time off doesn’t set me back too far when I’m ready to renter the workforce in a year.

I plan to blog about our journey but probably on a private site. Holy shit! This is happening! Wish us luck!

P.S. My boss offered me the sun, moon and stars to stay including a cut of the company if it ever sells and a direct share in profits. I thought it over long and hard but honestly, neither of those things are definites and life is too short to wait around for a slim chance of some money. A year of adventures is worth way more than any amount of money. I just hope I don’t kick myself in the ass if he does sell and I miss out on a windfall. Maybe I’m stupid, but at this point it feels like I’d be choosing $ over my kids and that feels gross.

Time goes by so quickly!

Hello?! Anyone still there?

I think it might be time to retire this blog. I know, I know. Same old story about the infertile who transitioned into motherhood, yadda yadda yadda. It’s just that I hardly have time to pee, let alone write. And no one really reads this anymore, anyway.

For posterity, here’s the latest in bullet form:
– Being a mother is the most demanding, yet rewarding job ever. Second guessing myself is standard. How can you not?! Your decisions are shaping these precious little lives that you created and nurtured in your belly for 9 months.
– Baby E is 4 months already. He’s so good natured and I adore spending time with him. His smiles, coos and giggles melt my heart.
– Spending one on one time with a singleton is so powerful. I wish I could have had this with the twins.
– Breastfeeding finally got on track. So much so, that I have 600+oz frozen. I’m so very proud of this achievement.
– I went back to work a month ago. It’s harder this time. I have less brain space or something. I am able to work from home on Wednesdays so I’ll only ever be away from E and nursing for 2 days at the most.
– Being off work was great. I was able to do so much more with the twins — lunches, classes and events. Getting to know our nanny better has been great, too.
– The twins are officially two (well 27 months now). The terrible twos are no joke but after a terrible day, they give you a few amazing days and you kinda sorta forget about the not so amazing day.
– The twins are talking up a storm. They have a crazy vocab and are doing all that counting/alphabet jazz. Even reciting their favorite books. Communicating with them is awesome.
– They’re very into Lightning McQueen and Legos. And they mastered their new scooters in less than a month (but mama still hasn’t had the nerve to take them outside).
– They are fascinated by “What Does The Fox Say.”
– I never dressed them the same (sometimes in similar outfits but different colors) but at this age they fight over differences so I find myself buying more matching things, which I sort of despise. But hey! Happy kids!
– Oh, and they’re obsessed with shoes.
– H & P have the most beautiful eyelashes.
– They transitioned to toddler beds fine. The hard part maybe lasted a week.
– Starting to think about preschool for next fall. This is not early in NYC. If anything, I’m behind.
– I’m pretty sure our family of 5 is perfect. I say “pretty sure” because the renewal for our embryo storage just came and we paid it. We have one lone PGD-perfect embryo on ice. The gender is sealed up in an envelope and I’ve never peeked. We might peek next year. If it’s a girl, might be kind of hard to resist trying one last FET. But I’m pretty sure we’re done. Hell, I’m so lucky we even made it this far!
– My husband and I celebrated 10 years of marriage in August! Always planned to do a Fiji trip after a decade, but I’ll take a new baby and a jiggly postpartum belly any day. Fiji can wait. We headed back to the Midwest to shown off our cuties to family instead. 🙂

This blog has been the most amazing outlet. Getting out my thoughts and feelings was a therapy of sorts. I was provided support through a loving community and I hope I was able to provide support in return. I’ve cried and hoped with many struggling women, many who’ve gone on as I did to become mothers. Not everyone, though, and my heart aches for those who haven’t met their babies yet.

Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for these three beautiful children. The scars of infertility are there and always will be, but I’m very well aware of where I came from. For those of you still struggling, you all deserve to be mamas.

If any of you last remaining stragglers are interested in staying in touch, leave a comment and we can exchange emails. Xo.